Signing off from San Francisco, part 2

In other news

Henry is now just over five weeks old.  He's starting to look less newborny and more like a baby.  He has a cute bald patch where his head has grown but his hair hasn't caught up.  As of yesterday at the doctor, he's 10 lbs, 7 oz. and 22.5 inches.  Tall guy.  He's still a total cuddle-kins.  He has the sweetest coos.  He slept 7 hours one night, and 8 hours the next, and then regressed big time.  We will get there.  His facial expressions are hilarious - he makes these wonderful, scrunchy frowns.  This morning when I got him up to feed him, he gave me some big smiles.  Melt.

Grace is so proud to be four years old.  It is amazing to look at Henry and realize how much she is capable of.  She does so many things independently and is so pleased with what she can do herself.  I am glad we spent some time working on mastery of dressing and grooming before he was born.  She helps set the table, clears her place, helps with various other chores, gets herself in and out of her carseat (granted, she doesn't do all this herself all the time - exhaustion, hunger and plain old power struggles get in the way).  She knows that when a video doesn't start right away, it's "buffering".  She knows to ask me to write to someone's mom when she wants a playdate (we're still working on patience until they respond).  There are all kinds of other things she can do to, but the gist is just how incredible it is to see how much she can do.  I especially love to get her talking about her days at school.  She often won't share much, but when she does, it's so intriguing to hear her interpretation of things and learn about a part of her world that we don't really share. 

We have begun to use the word "badgering" to describe the repeated whiny request for/to do something that has already been denied.  The other night, we were having a dance party, and she wanted to hold my phone while dancing but I kept asking her to set it down so we could all hear the music.  After repeatedly asking her to put it on the table, she looked at me, put her hand up and said "That's badgering!"  Steve was behind her and busted up, of course, and I had to try not to while explaining that it actually wasn't, at least not in spirit.  She has pulled this one again since.

She has just two more days at her preschool, and I worry about much she will miss her friends.  That's the hardest part of the move - knowing how it's going to be difficult for her.  We have been talking a lot about her old friends in Boston, and I think it's very reassuring to her.  I also found out that since her new school will still be in session when we get to Boston, we can take her for a tour.  I think it will good for her to have an idea of what to expect.  I know kids make friends easily, but I'm nervous for her.  Just like Steve and me, she tends to be a little hesitant in new situations and isn't the most naturally outgoing (I've tried to work on this as an adult, and it really seems to be true most of the time that others appreciate friendly overtures as much as I do; fake it till you make it!).  When she's comfortable, she's entirely different and she's very social and a natural leader (some might say bossy).  Sometimes when unfamiliar children approach her at a park or anywhere, she gets really uncomfortable and wants to be left alone.  Last week some girls at church asked her to play with them on the lawn after mass, and she wouldn't even talk to them.  

So, anyway, my point here - we stopped at a playground yesterday, and she saw some girls about her age.  She told me she wanted to ask if she could play with them.  She wanted me to come with her, so I parked Henry in the shade and told her I could go with her to stand nearby, but I couldn't talk for her.  We practiced what she would say "Hi, I'm Grace.  What's your name?  Can I play with you?"  She hung back a bit, waiting for them to notice her, but finally summoned her nerve (and sufficient volume after a few soft tries) to talk to one of the girls.  And you know what?!  The girl said "yes!" and they happily chatted and jumped around for a while till we had to leave.  I was so, so proud of her.  I know she was really out of her comfort zone, but she did it.  She proudly told Steve at dinner what you say to introduce yourself and make new friends.  She's so social that she will go berserk without a good network of friends for the summer (and I will shortly go nuts as well).  I hope she can grow her  confidence to make new friends and help with starting a new school.  Of course, I know she will be fine with a little time.  Kids start new schools all the time (I remember starting elementary school and not knowing anyone in first grade while most of the kids had gone to kindergarten together, but still remember thinking it weird that some kids were crying).  I'm just aware that this is something that makes her nervous and am pleased to see her building new skills.  

We have just over two weeks in San Francisco.  My dad is here to help us finish packing everything for shipping.  The weekend will be spent plying friends and family with beer and pizza.  Then, we will be living out of suitcases and sleeping on air mattresses with our camping cookware for two weeks.  We have a trip to LA planned and family time in Pleasanton plus final get togethers friends.  Steve's graduation is coming up.  I'm hoping to get in one more hike as well as a final stop at In-n-Out.  Then we board our plane with one-way tickets.  

See you on the east side!

Signing off from San Francisco, part 1

My heart catches in my throat just to write that title.

I think this will be my last post from San Francisco.  We have to pack up the modem and router today or tomorrow so I won't be able to blog unless I do it from my phone, which is not really my favorite.  I've had a lot swirling in my head these past weeks about leaving California and have meant to write about it.  I've also wanted to post pictures of our final days' adventures and an update on the kids.  Unfortunately for anyone who thinks posts should be cohesive in theme, that's not going to happen.  I also haven't been taking many pictures and don't have quick access to them.  Since I need to snatch the moments I have, I'm going to write this as fast as I can before the laundry timer goes off or Henry (asleep in the ergo) wakes.  So here goes - from here to there and in between. [Ed:  this post got too long so I'm breaking it into two.]

We always thought San Francisco would be the perfect place for us (great vibe, urban, diverse, progressive, access to the outdoors, in between in our parents, near extended family and old friends, west coast) so we moved here three years ago with eager hearts and every expectation to stay here for the long term if it worked out for Steve to get a job.  Admittedly it didn't immediately win our hearts.  The summer weather is really lousy.  The public transportation pales in comparison to our experiences in Boston and DC.  It is ungodly expensive.  Our experience has undoubtedly been influenced by the fact that we live in a part of the city that is exceptionally ill-served by public transport, has little within (reasonable with kids) walking distance, and has the foggiest weather in the city.  We basically have all the inconveniences of the city (cost, pita parking, most errands are inconvenient) with the drawbacks of the suburbs (have to drive everywhere, long commutes - despite the fact that we both work in the city, we both commute as long as suburb-dwelling colleagues).  

Over time, however, I have come around to appreciate it more than I did initially.  We live in the western half of the city, which is filled with families, local business, great parks and little neighborhood enclaves.  It's diverse and laid back.  While the city is kind of dirty and architecturally varied (and often downright ugly), it's natural backdrop is stunning.  I love that I could be cruising along and see the sparkling ocean or the GG bridge and Marin headlands or the city skyline and bay with Oakland, Berkeley, and Mt. Diablo in the background.  We can hike with amazing scenery right here in the city or just a short distance away.  I have come to have a love-hate relationship with San Francisco, but in the final weeks pre-move, it's tilting toward love.  

It's a gorgeous time of year here.  Sunny and clear (but oh so chilly!).  Yesterday, Grace, Henry and I went to Crissy Field to walk and ride bikes, and then sat in the shadow of the Golden Gate eating lollipops, nursing (and exploding a diaper, lest I make it sound too good to be true), playing in the sand and taking in the view of downtown, Alcatraz, the north bay, and Marin.  It was breathtaking.  

In some ways, we would really love to come back.  If Steve can get the right job here we say we would probably come back in a heartbeat (and just gripe about the fog forever).  But then, we look at real estate prices and wonder if it would be worth it.  And, who knows what will happen when he goes on the job market in two years anyway?  We don't even know what the options will be.

The short version:  I love and am simultaneously deeply ambivalent about San Francisco.  I am also so sad to be leaving California. The oceans, the redwoods, the mountains, the giant freeways, the sunshine, the produce, the mexican food, the energy.  It's my adopted home and I love it, flaws and thrills both.  I hope we return.  I think.  Another part of me wants to move to Seattle or Ann Arbor or Durham.  Or all three?

And the people.  We have started saying goodbyes.  Those hugs that mean I love you, dear friend, and I have no idea when I will see you again and I'm so happy we've been able to share our lives in person over the last few years are wonderful and heartbreaking.  So far, I've only said goodbye to people I've said goodbye to before so I know our friendships will last.  Will the new friendships withstand the time and distance?  I cannot stand the thought that I will say goodbye more than anything else these next two and a half weeks.  I am totally in denial that we have to say goodbye to our family as well.  

The other day, Grace asked if she could go to someone's birthday party.  I told her it would be after we move to Boston.  She said, "but we can come back to visit!"  Oh, baby girl, I think you do not yet understand distance.  Or the cost of plane tickets.  One of her friends recently moved house, and made a video to show her that "moving is a little scary but also fun."  She tells me this often, especially when I burst into tears.  

The other half of my brain is very excited to get back to Boston.  I love Boston.  I really, truly do.  I feel like it's the city where I became a grown up:  I got my masters, relaunched my career, and became a parent.  It's so livable.  The summers are hot.  I can walk endlessly.  I have a long list of things I'm looking forward to:  walks by the river, running errands with Henry in the stroller and Grace on her scooter with no parking hassles and no long carries up and down stairs from the car.  Reacquainting ourselves with the fabulous BPL.  Showing Grace the city of her birth and exploring it with her. (I have a long list of activities for our summer off together).  Taking the T and the tinny sound of announcer saying "Charles/MGH/Mass Eye and Ear Infirmary" as a sign we're close to home.  Visiting Aunt June's "country cottage".  Lingering outside on hot evenings.  Wobbling along brick and cobblestone streets.  Our old church.  JP Licks.  Reconnecting with so many friends.  It's going to be fabulous!  Sarah and John stopped by for a quick visit while in town recently, and it was such a good reminder that while we may have a lot of sad goodbyes ahead, we have a lot of happy hellos to follow shortly thereafter!

I also cannot wait to get out of the moving box chaos, half-packed squalor we've been living in.  Plus, it's always fun to unpack and get settled into a new home.  And, our new apartment will be almost half-again as large as our current place!  

So I guess that's my extremely lengthy moving dispatch. More about the kidlets to come.  

Related?

Maybe.

Sometimes I peek into their room, and Henry has broken free of his swaddle, and they both are asleep like this.

Finally. Lean in? Or, lean in! You decide...

Weeks ago, an old friend posted a link to Sheryl Sandberg's TED talk (here).  I opened the link and then let it sit, goading me because for some reason I just couldn't bring myself to watch it.  It's not like I didn't have the time - it's the perfect length to watch while nursing.  I think it was more of a mental barrier.

I had read about her book with some ambivalence when it came out (although I will read it whenever I come up on the library hold queue).  I was vaguely aware that something was keeping me from watching it.  I suppose that the end of pregnancy, facing maternity leave and a move for personal reasons that involves sort of leaving a job I really like at a time when I'm having great success, made me feel like I was doing the opposite of "leaning in", and I didn't really want her message to make me feel more confused about it all.

I finally sucked it up and figured that to be informed and form my own opinion, I ought to take 15 minutes of my life and watch the darn thing.  And you know what?  I was inspired.  I don't think she's totally out of touch (as I feared a would, a la a certain other high profile Silicon Valley exec who recently became a parent).  I also realized that being annoyed at women who are pushing working mom messages because I'm still trying to figure out my own balance and goals is the opposite of what moms (actually, PARENTS) should be doing, which is supporting one another in different choices at different phases.  I also was really surprised at many of the stats she cited, although I would love to see a reference list to dig a little deeper and understand the impact of SES on some of the findings.  Presumably her book will have this

I was also reminded why I love working outside the home and that, in a few months, I'm excited to go back (remotely), although I'm loving the time off now and can't wait for "summer vacation" with Grace.  I believe I'm a better mom because I get time to miss my kid(s) (haven't left Henry yet but I assume I will miss him).  I get to interact with adults and be valued for something that has nothing to do with my husband or children.  I feel like my marriage is more balanced because we both contribute financially, to parenting and at home (and can I say again how much of a rock star Steve is about parenting and housework?!  It will be hard next year when his call schedule and work hours are a nightmare again, but when he's home he's always doing something that benefits the whole family - we both pull the "second shift" around here).  It's not for everyone, and both of us working full-time is a bit too much for our situation given commutes, the nature of our work, schedules, etc., but it's good for us.

All this is a long-winded way of saying, watch the video.  Form your own opinion.  I think everyone - men and women, early or late career, parents or not - will find something interesting in it.

Henry at one month

See, we do take pictures of Henry!  There are even more below.  Being one month old is kind of a big deal, after all.  Although I don't know how it happened so quickly.

After Henry's entirely too exciting entry into the world we had some additional drama around weight gain.  Rough nights of cluster feeding, but insufficient weight gain.  I was beyond exhausted, and Steve and I were both pretty concerned.  After some focused effort and supplementing with bottles for a while, he seems to be on track.  Nevertheless, I'm eager for his one month appointment next week to see about his progress and hopefully confirm that he's still gaining appropriately.  It's so interesting to me how he is so different from Grace in terms of nursing.  I wrongly assumed that part wouldn't be too different, but as Aunt Joan pointed out, even things like eating are related to temperament.  I am looking forward to getting into a little bit of a clearer feeding pattern as he gets bigger.

Overall his temperament is pretty easygoing, although he's been a little fussier lately.  He is content to snuggle or just hang out observing the activity around him (not that he can see very well yet, but there's plenty of noise to capture his attention).  He really likes to snuggle.

I know it's early but he does smile from time to time.  It's definitely social smiling, not just gas bubbles.  And it is such a wonderful reminder of what's to come beyond the constant eating/pooping/spitting up cycle.

He's also pretty chatty!  He coos and has the cutest, sweetest little baby voice.  Can't wait to hear more from him.  Ashley was visiting last weekend and explained that some babies are just more talkative at this stage.

He rolled from his stomach to his back on Grace's birthday.  It didn't seem like an angry accident during tummy time because he got on his side and paused for a while, as if gathering energy, and then rolled the rest of the way.  But he hasn't done it again and mostly just gets mad if left on his stomach for more than a few minutes.  His neck is definitely getting stronger, and now that he has more and more alert time he eagerly holds his head up and looks around until his head crashes onto your shoulder.

Sleep, oh sleep.  Given that he's one month old, he's doing well.  A long stretch from mid-evening to wee hours of the morning and then he's generally up again 1-2 hours later.  However, this means he is often waking between 4 and 5:30am... the later he wakes, the harder it is for me to get back to sleep and the more likely Steve and Grace will awaken and have a hard time getting back to sleep as well.  He isn't in a clear pattern, though, so I don't think he's waking out of habit, but from actual hunger.  It will all sort out in time, and life is chaos until the move anyway.  Compared with the early cluster feeding, I can cope.  In fact, it's just getting out of bed that's hard - once I'm up, caffeine works wonders.  It has magical properties!

Ah, newborns are just so precious.  Just as everyone said, it really is easier to deal with the challenges when you have the perspective that you can't have as a first time parent.

Henry is an angel. We are all so happy that he's part of our family, even Grace who generally calls him "Baby" or, if pressed "Hen-e-ry."  Admittedly, I often call him "Cakes", you know, the classic diminutive of Henry-cakes.

Wise words

In his remarks at Henry's baptism, the priest shared some scholar's parenting wisdom that, paraphrasing, went roughly, "Don't worry that your children don't listen to you...  because they are watching every move you make."  As he made his remarks on the first statement, I was thinking "whew, it's all hard-wired" or something that along those lines that let me off the hook.  And then the follow up line brought me up short.

I feel like I should tattoo it to my forehead and my arms and post it all around the house.  How can I expect Grace to be calm and use non-whiny words when she's unhappy if I lose my temper and raise my voice?

Very simple words and concept, no book or article or philosophical mommy-war needed.  Something to ponder and try desperately to remember in those most challenging moments.

An angel from the north

My mom came to meet Henry and give us a hand for about 10 days... it was hard to figure out the best time for her to come because I figured having her here when Henry was born would be really helpful, but we also wanted her to be here for the baptism and I didn't want to waste a minute of her precious visit time on waiting to go into labor.  So we took a chance that we could manage for the first two weeks, and asked her to come a couple weeks after my due date.

Now that I'm back to being on my own during the day, I appreciate all the more how valuable it is to have someone around to hold the baby when I want to, say, go to the bathroom, take a shower, get something to eat, even wash my hands after a diaper change.  Henry is pretty reasonable at night, so she didn't have to be up rocking him for hours in the night like, ahem, another child to which I'm resisting comparing him in the interest of sibling harmony and helping them build a strong relationship (the sibling book on my nightstand that I'm not actually reading but going with my friend's description of says to avoid any comparisons).  But there was plenty to do during the day!  Plus, party prep, running various errands and helping to entertain Grace and provide some adult conversation for me were wonderful.  And Henry loved to snuggle with his GoGo (and she's an ace at getting him to burp - gold star, Mom!).

A few pictures - although since we were at home in our yoga pants a lot of the time and Henry is a second child, there aren't nearly as many as there should be!

And just in time for Mother's Day - a giant thank you for coming!  And for loving my kiddos so much. We love you!

Double the kids, double the fun

Well, we're making them share right off the bat (the room-sharing thing is also going reasonably well, but that's another story, another post).  Although he's very young for it, we wanted Henry to be baptized here to avoid travel issues for his godparents (his Great Aunt Joan and Great Uncle Greg and dear friend Ashley) and to include as many other family members and friends as possible.  So we decided to schedule it to coincide with Grace's birthday party so we could have one celebration of both events.  I was a little worried about throwing a party just three weeks after his due date, but thanks to my amazing mother who cooked up a storm and my incredible extended family who jumped in to handle the set up and lots of other little details, it seemed to go off without a hitch.  I wouldn't know if there were hitches because I was doing what I do all the time these days - nursing Henry.  

Some photos from the blessed and joyous day:

With the godparents.

With Father Dan.  I love this picture for the expression on Steve's face.  No doubt how much he loves his son.

The rite.

With Fr. Dan and godparents.

Godparents and grandparents (GoGo - my mom, and Grandpa - Steve's dad).

All the baptism guests.  It was so special to have them all with us!

Could they possibly be related?  

Or perhaps, I should say Sesame Street-style, which of these four is not related?

Grace was ready for some birthday party - showing Fr. Dan how old she would be.

Quesadillas and juice boxes with buddy Finn.

A swing and a... we'll just say that the three and four year olds did much better than last year, but it was Elijah who came through to empty that piñata.

Candy!

Trading and negotiation.  This is Harmony, one of Grace's best friends right now.  I can't tell you how often Grace says "Harmony, I mean, Mommy" or "Harmony, I mean, Daddy" when talking to us.  Harmony is Parisian, though, so I will assume Grace just thinks I'm super sophisticated and stylish so it's an easy mix-up.

Our time in SF wouldn't have been the same without the love from our extended family who have made us so welcome.  They are also the work crew that made the party happen!  Sorry I don't have a better picture of my mom - she should be in this one, too.

Ready, set, blow!

Grace was very specific about wanting a chocolate cake with big pink flowers and a number four candle.  She was extremely excited about going with me to pick it up (nope, I didn't bake from scratch this year and I'm not feeling bad about it.  Costco cakes may be just as good as the Magnolia Bakery recipe... I know, blasphemy!).

And then she didn't eat any of the cake.  But my goodness, look at that sweet, big girl!

Trying out a few presents - the fairy drummer.  Thanks, Ashley, for giving my four-year-old a drum set.  What goes around comes around, you know...

It was a wonderful day filled with friends and family.  I've said it dozens of times here, but something this important cannot be said enough - we are so blessed by our community here and will miss them desperately.  At mass on Sunday, I  started a silent prayer of thanks for all the people that love my children and promptly burst into tears (we are into the crying stage of move prep - even traffic makes me cry because it's California traffic - needs to be said with a wail).  Grace asked why I was crying and then gave me a hug, saying "Don't worry, Mama, we can visit them."  

My baby girl is officially four as of yesterday.  FOUR!  I cannot believe we've been at this parenting gig that long (especially since just last night I was saying to Steve how I think we're failing her - the issue was whether or not to acquiesce to her desire to sleep with us because she's been having nightmares and is afraid to close her eyes... will she be securely attached since we said no?  I digress...).  She is so full of energy and also so compassionate.  She is testing limits daily (hourly) and trying to learn everything she can about the world.  One of my favorite things she does right now is ask what new words mean whenever she hears them.  She loves to sing and dance (non-stop), loves to draw, to play school or restaurant (though the restaurants are often out of what we order), and to do puzzles and play actual games (board games, memory, etc.).  She loves princesses and fairies and playing outside, playing with sand and riding bikes and scooters.  She loves her friends, school, music class and kindergym (both part of the school programs).  Cheese pizza is her favorite dinner, but she also loves artichokes, tomatoes, taquitos, quesadillas, berries, lollipops, and strawberry ice cream.  She is a loving big sister, always saying "Oh, don't cry sweetie baby," when Henry cries.  We have certainly had some intensely emotional times lately as she checks to see if limits and rules are the same with all the changes at home and move preparation, but it continues to be a joy to be her parents.  Even after some of the worst fits, Steve and I shake our heads and comment how wonderful and compassionate and sensitive she is.   Baby girl, we love you so much, always, no matter what.  

Well, this post has strayed from here to there and back... thanks for sticking with me.