Changes afoot

Well, the big (and great) news is that I was offered a job I reallllly wanted at the place I want to work. If I had tried to describe my ideal job, this one is pretty much what I would have said. The (five!) interview process happened fast. I had to give a presentation to a panel as part of it and the last question at the end of one of the interviews was "how do you think you did in this interview?" I have interviewed untold multitudes for jobs, but that was a new question. Yikes! I could not have gone through this process without the help of friends who watched Grace - thank you, thank you to Jennifer and Jane! I start in two weeks. I had vetted a daycare over the summer (and fortunately I know people whose kids go/went there) and it even has openings right when we need them. I'm still shaking my head a bit at how quickly and smoothly this all happened, especially because it seems like such a perfect job for me. It will also be very intense, demanding and challenging, but in service of goals I value.

So then, the other shoe falls. I have been home with Grace for the past four months, except for finishing a project for my old job p/t from home while my awesome cousin Scott cared for Grace. I have loved being a stay-at-home-mom, loved it more than I ever imagined I would. I am going to miss being with Grace so much I almost can't think about and if I do I will cry all over the keyboard.

This has been a really hard decision to face. I had really hoped to find a part-time job, but they're hard to find doing the type and level of work I want to do. No matter how much I remind myself that there is no evidence that kids whose mothers work have any poorer outcomes, and much data to suggest there is no difference or that they do better on some measures, I can't shake the sense of guilt that I'm abandoning my child to others while I pursue something selfish.

And on the subject of selfishness - and be forewarned that I'm stepping on my soapbox here - I'm going to point out that almost no one would ever accuse Steve of it. I don't say this to be defensive because I know all of you understand that we all make the best decisions for our families and pretty much all our kids will be okay (and if they aren't it won't be because we worked or didn't work), but because I think that for all the progress women have made there are still significant gender roles and expectations that make working a question of angst and guilt for mothers but much less so for fathers. And don't forget the wage gap and all my friends whose predominantly female professions don't pay enough above the cost of childcare for working to make financial sense even though they would like to do something professionally. We need dramatically better family leave policies, universal preschool, etc. I have a social policy degree and I'm proud of it and it's my blog and thank you for listening.

But anyway, back to my own decision and our family. We are excited that Grace will be around other kids and adults, learning to relate to them, to share, to socialize. She's a pretty social girl, but she's also growing accustomed to the world revolving around her. Further, we are happy that she will see me working and contributing to society and our family. I know I significantly benefited from seeing my mom have a career. Nevertheless, I'm going to miss being with Grace so so much.

Basically, I'm at once thrilled and filled with dread.

And we are also about to embark on a logistical challenge/nightmare. I really don't want life to to become a hamster wheel of getting through each day and week just to prepare for the next one. Of course the on-site daycare center doesn't have any openings and we'll be lucky to get Grace enrolled there a year from now. Steve's career and schedule mean that I'm in charge of daycare drop off/pick up/sick days/doctors' appointments and anything else that comes along. That is simply our reality. So, I'll be making crazy organizational checklists and cooking lots on Sundays and doing a lunch assembly line and hopefully finding time to exercise, read, blog, see family and friends, and have fun weekend adventures. And to sit on the couch reading to Grace, giving her lots of hugs and kisses. There's that big lump in my throat accompanied by blurry vision again.

Friday, so Friday

Busy week.

And now we have a "severe" weather warning for the weekend and early next week. It's going to be in the SEVENTIES AND EIGHTIES at the coast. WOAH. I guess the severe part is really for inland areas, but I did snicker a little that the warning came up for our zip code. I am used to severe weather warnings meaning subzero temps with 50 mile-an-hour winds or extreme heat and humidity. We are going to enjoy our extreme weather weekend. We need it.

So, in honor of weekends and chillaxing, here are some pictures from our awesome trip to Muir Woods recently.

Happy hiker.

Intrepid explorer. But then she didn't want to come out.

Big trees.

I carry the backpack from time. And not just for the camera. I did all the up and am still sore.

Oh, what a happy family!

So neat to be above the fog layer and see it still lingering below at the beach.

Very tired hiker.

Fortunately, she was so interested in climbing stairs, we didn't have to distract her from The Edge.

Looking north from the Muir Beach Overlook.

Looking toward home.

Reading for bibliophilic cooks

I came across two possibly fun new reads recently since we all need to read more blogs and feel more crummy about the amount of time wasted online. So anyway, I haven't decided how much I like Dinner A Love Story yet, but it's loosely about family dinners, and there are some good signs - I've seen some decent recipes and books are mentioned pretty often. Two posts, however, compelled me to mention it here: this one on children's books and the post about food in the Laura Ingalls Wilder books. If you know me at all, you know that I am crazy about those books and in fact recently borrowed a book from my aunt about the actual places mentioned throughout the series and read it aloud to Steve while he ignored me. Swoon. So anyway, I know at least one dear reader is as nuts about the Little House books as me, so this is for you, Lisa.

The other fun blog I discovered is The Diamond in the Window, which is about reading and children's books. Seeing as how I'm nuts about both and possibly became a parent just so I could read The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe to someone, this blog seems pretty cool. The best days are those spent reading so that when you rouse yourself for dinner you're slightly disoriented after having spent all afternoon immersed in another world. Those days happened most often when I was a kid, reading all those great yalit novels. So reading about kids' books and daydreaming about spending all day reading is perhaps the closest thing for now.

Oh, to think of all the books I can't wait to share with Grace. Here are just a few:

- Obv, the Little House books (yes, including Farmer Boy) and The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe

- A Tree Grows in Brooklyn (didn't read this until college)

- The Yearling (which I read for the first time within the last year)

- The Harry Potter books

- Locked In Time

- To Kill A Mockingbird

- The Secret Garden

- The Princess and the Goblin

- I Capture the Castle

This is a short list because I want to start my Eudora Welty (never read her!) novel. But please add your favorites and suggestions in the comments! God-willing, Grace won't turn out to hate reading.

Lazy blogger

Perhaps you noticed that I haven't posted much lately. Things have been very busy (maybe I'll have some good employment related news soon?! or maybe not, and I'll continue enjoying the never expected but thoroughly wonderful sahm-life), then we dedicated this weekend to doing nothing. It turned out to really mean that we carefully planned nothing and had a lovely rainy, lazy time hanging out in the neighborhood(ish).

Steve had to work part of the weekend, but we got in some time at a cool playground in the Inner Richmond, enjoyed a morning of coffee and pastries and people(dog)-watching, and checked out a neat toy store (so fun when you have a kid!), hit the CAS for a quick dose of fish, and tried a new restaurant. Grace also walked a really long way up hill to get home and climbed around a million stairs. We kept thinking she'd poop out and sit down or ask to go in her stroller, but when she means she doesn't want to ride, she means it. Given how short her legs are, I think she climbed the equivalent of Mt. Whitney (wow, that choice of mountain-reference might mean I'm really a Californian and no longer a Washingtonian). We are still amazed. I also had a massive bread-making failure (from a recipe I made two weeks ago and turned out beautifully - really, I should have taken pictures!). I'm too embarrassed even to explain what happened (but, if you lived in PC in 1998-99 and remember the twice-based bread incident, you'd come close). There was rain, the Huskies lost, and it sure seems like fall.

So, because I'm still feeling a little lazy and sometimes blogger takes forever and a day to upload photos, I'm just posting a handful of recent shots from my phone.

Picnic in Marin with Natalie and Gavin (why does maternity leave have to end?! Boo.)

Note Grace's carefully placed hand.

She would have happily sat with her arm around Gavin all afternoon.

She outfoxed the last bit of childproofing. She now just removes the yardstick that was holding the drawers closed and reaches into the drawer, extracts the stickers and sticks them in her mouth. I have no idea why she likes to eat stickers, but it's the automatic response even though she's more or less past the everything in the mouth phase. She also figured out how to get the yardstick off the kitchen cabinets and can go straight for the snacks. Apparently, the easiest way to get something out of a bag is to turn it upside down rather than reach in with your hand.

So we sweep a lot. But Grace is not good at letting me have a turn.

Omigosh, she loves this little car. And, oh the tantrums that occur when we don't stop to play with it. She lays down just inside the apartment door and screams and cries and kicks her feet. She gets so mad at me she won't come near me, but then I think she seems to become so overwhelmed by the tantrum that she comes over and climbs into my lap. Oh, the irrationality and sweetness of being 16 months old.

Helping Daddy make waffles yesterday morning (in her flower-child pjs).

Contentedly watching fish. Doesn't she look like a little girl?!

Soon - pix from our awesome hike at Muir Woods last weekend and a quick, fun trip to P'ton for brunch and wedding dresses.

Seeing the city: Downtown, Chinatown, the Presidio

Another weekend of exploring and adventuring. Saturday was foggy and chilly, but we started by taking the Muni downtown and walking through Union Square to Chinatown.

At the Dragon Gates in the "official" Chinatown.

We then hiked up Telegraph Hill via the steps on Filbert (whew) to Coit Tower. It was beautiful, but we'll have to go back on a clear day and actually go to the top of the tower. We wandered around, saw the wild parrots, and enjoyed the view.

View of Alcatraz.

The view from Telegraph Hill, Bay Bridge in the background.

Then, we started down the steps on the other side. Yikes. Grace was mid-tantrum, wanting to walk without holding hands. It was a loooong walk down, alternating between carrying her and her attempting to walk but being all jelly-legs so she kept sliding. To give you an idea of how many steps we're talking about, when we were about 90% of the way down, we passed a kid counting the steps on his way up. I think he was at 120 or so. Yes, I know this would mean there are a thousand steps. It wouldn't surprise me. I'm very glad we weren't going up that way, especially with the stroller. We finally made it down, squirmy, shrieky toddler and all (bless the woman who tickled Grace and said "I remember those days"). Naturally, we had to watch The Wild Parrots of Telegraph Hill that night (yay Netflix instant queue). It was interesting and fun to see all the places we had just been, but I think I had heard it was a fantastic documentary. It wasn't really.

Anyway, we toured through the farmer's market at the Ferry Building, then walked up Market Street and over to Yerba Buena Gardens. The sun had come out and Grace, post a little snooze, was in fine form again to check out the Play Circle.

On Sunday, we headed over to the Presidio. We took the Coastal Trail to Land's End and the beach below. It was spectacularly beautiful, but sadly the view back toward the bridge and Marin was washed out. I still took a gajillion pictures of the bridge (see obsession), but am only subjecting you to one or two. It was steep, steep, steep and kudos to Steve for carrying Grace in the backpack. Grace yelled in his ear about every dog we saw (there were many), usually repeating her cries of "daaaah dah" again and again. It must have made us look very friendly because some Swiss tourists stopped us to borrow our "sun cream". Can't really blame them for thinking they wouldn't need it. After naps, we popped down to the CAS to see the shiiifff! and wander through GG park. We neglected to take any pictures, but man oh man has the weather been fabulous.

At Land's End.

Sadly, Steve had to work on Labor Day. But Grace and I took a lovely walk in the nature preserve and spent some quality time in the sun at the playground and read lots of books and played with her first fort.

Bluestreak

One of Grace's favorite things lately is fish. She will rush through books to the pages featuring fish, she loves the aquarium, and yells fish whenever she sees one (there are more pictures of fish in the world than you might realize) or thinks of fish or just feels like it. But, her version of the word is "shiiifff". So, she gets very excited and yells "Oh, shiiiiiif!!!!" about 40 times a day, often in public. It's fantastic.

Awesome

That's pretty much what I think every time I see the Golden Gate bridge. Sometimes I'll just see it in the distance as I'm running errands about town, sometimes I'll stop and really look when I have a good view.

I was pulling onto the bridge the other day with my new friend Jane and I asked her if I'll ever stop feeling amazed by it. She lived in SF for four years and has just returned for her husband's fellowship (he and Steve are in the same program), and she said that she's never gotten over the sight.

Then, we found that the museum were taking the kiddos to was at the foot of the bridge in Sausalito. I was amazed all over again.

Can you blame me?

Rookie mistake

On Tuesday I took Grace to the playground in our neighborhood, near the elementary school, around 4pm. I had a vague idea that it might be a little crowded, but... WOAH. Teeming with children doesn't even begin to describe it although seriously checked-out parents does.

Obviously it was not our crowd, but I figured we could brave it for a few trips down the slide and running around since the weather was so gorgeous. Grace was climbing around and I looked over at our stroller to see a young child (2 maybe?) sitting in it. I watched for a minute, expecting to see a parent come over and move him along. No one came and as he climbed in and out, he started to stand up on the seat. I didn't really care about the stroller, but worried that it could fall and he might get hurt, so I went to ask him where his mommy was. No response, just more climbing. Grace came over and started to take my keys out of the diaper bag, which prompted him to start digging through the pockets. I'm figuring that if I walk away, I'll come back to no phone, keys, etc. and I'm seriously wondering where the h is the parent of such a young kid.

I ask the cluster of parents nearby if they know whose kid he is (they don't) and turn around to realize Grace is gone. I locate her halfway across the park in the middle of a huge cluster of BIG kids and dogs, running along trying to pet the dogs. She is very tiny compared to all those elementary-schoolers! I leave to chase her down and the kid wanders off to start grabbing someone's picnic. A lot of time has passed since I first noticed him playing with the stroller and still no parent. Finally, the 10 month-pregnant lady goes over and pulls him off these poor peoples' snacks. Sheesh. I sort of wanted to tell her what he'd been up to so she would pay a little closer attention, but I don't want to be that person. It was hot, she was uber-pregnant, and nothing had actually happened.

Some big kids were using the baby slide, but I and another mom of toddlers persuaded them to let our kids take a quick turn (and it did require some negotiation). I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have said "we're doing stuff" when I was 6 or 8 if a random adult had asked if their baby could take the slide, although maybe. Then, a preschooler fell right in front of me and was crying and clutching her leg and calling mommy and no one responded. I asked her where her mom was and she just kept crying, so I started asking people if she was their child while the other toddler-mom picked her up. All while trying to keep Grace from diving off the equipment or running after dogs.

So we went home. The neighbors were out with the brood of boys so we played with them for a while. The moms said "Uh, yea. Can only go there in the mornings or evenings now that school has started." Lesson learned, though it's a bummer because it's a perfect after nap activity. I do kind of look forward to sitting on the sidelines while Grace plays, but maybe I won't be totally clueless when she's causing trouble for others? Or maybe I will be, and that's just part of the exchange for when your kids become too old to give you kisses in public?

Old School

Steve's mother saved a number of his childhood books, which she sent back with us. Last night, Steve was reading them with Grace and said he could very specifically remember reading them and lifting the flaps in Spot's First Walk. He said it was kind of weird. I think it's very sweet.

One of the books was called Kate the Cat. I wonder if this is a sign of some kind? I did have a stuffed bear named Stinky Steve...